School ended. And so did my daughter’s social life.
Craccccck. You know what that’s the sound of? My heart breaking. Yup, like I’m pretty sure even the neighbors heard it. Wanna know why? Because I was being a diligent parent and checking through Zoey’s...
View ArticleThe Totally Kickass Gift Guide of Last Minute Stuff that’ll Arrive by Christmas
Oh crap. There are only EIGHT days until Christmas and if you’re anything like me, you’re starting to panic. Oh no, I forgot a present for Cousin Louie! Oh no, I have to make 2020 the best Christmas...
View ArticleHow to have a Virtual Disney World Day!!! (things to do during Covid)
KIDS: Mom, can you play with us? Ugggghhhh, no, for the love of God, pleeeease don’t make me play anymore. I’ve played LEGOs, I’ve played marble maze, I’ve played Monopoly Junior, I’ve played dress-up....
View ArticleI just received a very special email about our house, no wait, our home
So the other day I opened my email and I was feeling really popular because I had so many messages. Then I deleted all the spam and I realized I was just popular with Bath and Body Works, American...
View ArticleHow I turned my pipe dream into my piping dream
Back at the beginning of all this pandemic shit (pardon my French but I think we all know curse words are very much in order these days), I was like WTF do I do with all my time stuck at home? At first...
View ArticleA letter to my tween: I will be your punching bag, but I will NOT be your...
Dear Daughter, The other day you were in a pissy mood. I get it. It happens to all of us. You were stomping around the house, slamming doors, and no matter how nice I was to you, you were a total...
View ArticleWho wants to go to a Margarita Camp with me this summer?!! (Sponsored by Sawyer)
Is anyone else’s kids driving them crazy? Oh my gawwwwd. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love hanging out with my children, but here’s the thing I’ve noticed. If I hang out with them too much, I start...
View ArticleBoys will NOT be boys
The following is a chapter from my new book Mamas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be A-Holes, available everywhere books are sold Can we just talk about the phrase “Boys will be boys” for a sec? It...
View ArticleWTF happened to my daughter?! (Ten things I’ve learned parenting a tween)
WTF happened to my daughter? This is basically what I say on a daily basis now that I’m parenting a tween. I mean don’t get me wrong, I LOVVVVVE the crap out of her… when she’s actually my daughter and...
View ArticleMother’s Day gift guide: What do you buy the woman who pushed an 8-pound...
Have you ever tried googling Mother’s Day gifts because you have no clue what to get? Wanna know what comes up? A bunch of crap she doesn’t need or want. I mean, sure a picture frame that says “Mom” or...
View ArticleTell her she looks gorgeous
So the other day I was with a friend and she told me her ten-year-old wants to shave her legs. I think maybe she could have heard the sound of my heart breaking through my ribcage. Wait, WHAT?!!! And I...
View ArticleYou’re only as happy as your least happy child
You’re only as happy as your least happy child. Want to know why I hate that phrase? Because it’s true. I don’t know who the F came up with that saying, but damn them because they tapped into one of...
View ArticleDear parent who’s debating whether to give your child the Covid vaccine
Dear parent who’s debating whether to give your child the Covid vaccine, Wait, let me get this straight. You’re worried about injecting your child with some unknown chemical? You’ve heard it might...
View ArticleAsheville North Carolina, the good, the bad and the, oh wait, there is no bad...
You know what I totally hated about our vacation to Asheville? Coming home. We were only there for six days, and it was wayyy too short. So if you’re thinking about going to Asheville, here is some...
View ArticleJunior High: The Ten Rules of Friendship
Dear daughter, I’m gonna be honest with you. Junior high sucks. Yup, I am not going to b.s. you and tell you it’s all hunky dory and a bowlful of rainbow cherries. Basically it’s like walking through...
View ArticleWhat is the perfect age to take your kiddos to Disney World?
So the other day I was talking to Holden about the first time we went to Disney World, and he didn’t remember a thing. N.O.T.H.I.N.G. I meannnn, are you kidding me?!!! We spent like 9 million dollars...
View ArticleI’m not having a midlife crisis, I’m having a...
So this morning I was driving to pick up the groceries, after I took Zoey to the ice skating rink, after I made sure the kids were fed and had their lunches and backpacks all ready for school, and I...
View ArticleSocial media could kill your daughter, literally
I have a question. Do you let your kids smoke cigarettes? If you’re anything like me, your answer is hell no. But I heard something the other day and it made me stop and think. “Social media is the new...
View ArticleThe TOTALLY AMAZING AWESOMEST Gift Guide of 2021!!!!
If you’re anything like me, you’re freaking out right now because every time you turn on the news they show us a crapload of ships that are sitting right off the coast, and they’re like “better get...
View ArticleHow to magically make your kid LOVE reading (sponsored by The Week Junior!!)
Both of my kids used to suck at reading. Yup. Even Zoey. But now the light seeps under her door at night because she’s “sneaking books” past bedtime. And Holden? He was even worse at reading. Which...
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